You can reinvent yourself and come back stronger and better even after menopause or any other life altering event. I know this because it happened to me. At age 54 I competed in my first bikini competition, not only was my body transformed but my mind and life as well. It is possible to defy the odds and get rid of those negative old self sabotaging beliefs that hold you back and tie you down.
Menopause at age 44? This was my doctor's diagnosis, I was in the early stages of menopause called perimenopause. Wait, wasn't this supposed to happen in our fifties?
Most people would agree that I am a positive upbeat person so I was surprised in my mid forties to wake up feeling unusually depressed. Something felt off, I had been depressed before but this was more than just the pre period blues or sadness all of us normally experience off and on. Even though I had a few panic attacks lately I assumed it was a result of the difficulties I was experiencing from my strained marriage. The thoughts in my mind wandered over into that dark scary crevasse of what I recognized as ”suicidal thoughts” and for a moment I found myself asking the question “is life really worth living anymore”? Feeling hopeless and lost I made a doctor’s appointment suspecting there may be something else going on.
For many years I had been struggling and unhappy in my marriage, wondering constantly if it was my fault. My ex husband was sure it was and I was told it was me that needed therapy. Daily, my marriage was a constant struggle that left me massively disappointed and drained of all my hopes and dreams. So no wonder I had the blues and was feeling depressed I thought. We, as a couple could not get along or agree on anything. Arguing was a way of life, we argued about the way to raise our two kids, to the unfair harsh treatment of my son; his stepson, how to spend money, how to load the dishwasher, how to drive.The classic couple triggers were always on, we had delved into a daily cycle of wounding each other and a pattern of whos right and wrong. Eventually it drained our love banks and daily life felt like a bloody battlefield. We just couldn't get it right. I felt hurt, betrayed and wounded on so many levels that I am still working through today.
All of the things we had reached out to for help just didn't seem to work for us like it did for others. I began to believe a good, healthy marriage was not in the cards for ua. We tried it all; pastoral counseling at our church, our christianity, having more faith, attending more marriage conferences, seeking advice from close friends and marriage therapy, resulted in nothing but dashed hope and despair. My poor friends, they got an earful all the time, I was consumed with the unhappiness and sadness of it all and how to fix it was all I could talk or think about. Going to church, praying, saying the right thing, responding the right way, twisting into a pretzel did not seem to help us get along any better. After so many years of hearing my friends say “I don't know how you do it” or “you are so patient” I just wanted to scream, NO I'M NOT and it made me hate myself for being stuck in a situation that I felt I had no control over. After many years of this I began to realize the dreams I had were probably never going to have a chance to actualize in my life. I was living in such a controlled situation financially and emotionally that abundance in any form could not shine its light through even the smallest cracks in my life. I felt as though I was an empty vacuum, the oppression I was experiencing left me void of any opinions or ideas of my own. I started to realize I was afraid to even think my own thoughts. It became embarrassing and at times I felt like a robot, a stepford wife of sorts. It was always yes honey this and yes honey that, believing if I responded appropriately it would make things better. Only it wouldn't, feeling misunderstood eventually led me to rage and anger and down the path to another argument and fight.
That morning I woke up was a turning point for me. When I went to the doctor and found out I was in Perimenopause it all made sense to me then. This crazy depression I was feeling was all because of biology. I began to read up on the subject of menopause and started to understand how powerful these hormones are. They affect our emotions and our thoughts. A recurring theme kept jumping out at me and I believe the universe wanted me to hear and accept this one truth. When a woman goes through menopause she doesn't have the patience to put up with what’s not working in her life anymore. This could not have been true for me at the time.
Fast forward to age 54, yep I’m still in the marriage and still unhappy. I vacillate between waiting for the right moment to leave and fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of not making it on my own, fear of taking that big scary leap and fear of looking him in the eye and telling him what he already knows. That I am done and this marriage is dead and has been for years. Fear that I am too old to go it alone, I was 54 for pete’s sake! Fear of hurting him and fear of hurting my children and disrupting their lives as they know it. Restructuring and tearing apart a family for my own happiness? It certainly was never something I wanted so I convinced myself to just stay and wait it out again, and the crazy cycle continued to repeat itself.
My body started to show signs of all this unhappiness and stress and I developed an auto-immune disease called Granuloma annulare. It surfaces first on the skin around the joint areas in an imperfect circle with little red bumps that look like ringworm. A small and itchy patch that grows larger everyday. It started on my elbows but soon spread to the backs of my knees, the tops of my feet and my inner thighs. Soon it was the shoulders then onto the insides of my elbows and wrists. The days of wearing shorts and sleeveless shirts were over for me I thought to myself. This continued on for 2-3 years and I saw no hope in sight.
One day a friend asked me if I want to compete in a bikini competition with her. I laughed out loud, never had I even considered this for a moment. I hated my body in a bikini and did not think that I could pull it together with the diet that was required and the discipline. I was strong but I didn't think I could control my eating and give up the things that I loved. Let’s face it, I was one of those people who worked out so they can eat more and still fit into their favorite jeans. Still I found myself dreaming and getting excited about the possibility of me actually competing in a bikini competition at age 54. Lots of women were starting to do it over 50 and the organizations that hosted these events were starting to open up more categories for my age group.
Being in the fitness industry most of my life I did like to eat healthy and stay fit but not to that extreme. Most of my clients were housewives or people that worked from their homes and needed someone to push them to workout because they didn't make the time or lacked the motivation to do so on their own. I was not around a lot of bodybuilders or bikini competitors, this world was foriegn to me and was not yet in my wheelhouse of training and expertise. But I was at a point in life where I knew I needed something new and different, something to really push me. To go out on a limb and do something extreme. Have you ever had that feeling, that nudge from life so strong you can almost smell it? New doors are swinging wide open and it’s time to decide to walk through them or not. I was learning to listen to my own voice and develop my higher intuition. So I said “why not” and “Hell yes” I'll do it.
What I found was stepping out of my box and squaring up to a challenge in life really brought out the focus and discipline in me. Some people just need to be facing a firing squad in order to get anything done. For me it was the thought of standing up practically naked in front of strangers that put the fire under me. Some of us need that kind of pressure and I found out I did. Meanwhile, I was enjoying the process and seeing results and changes in my body like never before. I did have muscle under that layer of 25% body fat from years of half ass lifting and too much cardio. With lots of patience and persistence I was finally starting to see a body I could feel ok about getting into a bikini. I could tell that with the help from high heels and a dark tan I could maybe pull it off. It was working because I was eating the right amounts and the right kinds of foods while consistently staying on a weightlifting plan.
To my amazement I realized that getting stronger on the outside was transforming me on the inside. I was feeling stronger emotionally and found my confidence more often. After so many years of no self confidence, I discovered I did have the willpower and the ability to stay in this game and see something through to the end regardless of the end result. I was enjoying the process and the prep, happy to wake up in the morning and excited to get to the gym. I was finally starting to feel like an empowered strong woman in charge of her life and her destiny. I was doing something bigger than me and making my mark on the world and it felt good.
I had finally discovered my Super-shero and I believe each one of us has one inside waiting to come out and show us her super powers. My Super-shero is now a big part of me, I can depend on her and access her when I need to be a badd-ass in life and she gets me through tough times.
Out of the blue, the next thing I knew my autoimmune disease was gone! Just like that, I no longer had but a few scars left and I continue to be free of it today. I’m so very grateful not to have it anymore but I feel for anyone with one of these mysterious autoimmune diseases today. They are not always easy to figure out and many people suffer with them a lengthy amount of time. I often wonder what made mine go away. My husband Dean Hall, a 2x cancer survivor and world record setting swimmer believes it’s because I found hope and a purpose. Somehow through the process my body released and healed itself. As a 30 year marriage and family therapist and hypnotherapist he is no stranger to people’s deep wounds, including his own. He has seen this happen time and again, a recurring theme that heals wounds inside and out, and he sees lives transformed when people discover a new passion or start living their life’s purpose.
Soon after my bikini competition I found the guts to leave my 30 year marriage. There was nothing left between us and it was not fair to him or me to keep it going. I have never really looked back and I now work on trusting my own intuition more.
Today I am happily married to the man of my dreams and I say that because he really is, we get along so well and every day is a miracle. It’s a miracle because we found each other at this late age and we have so much in common in our daily lives. He is a widower and was married 30 years also. His wife Mary died of an inoperable brain tumor leaving him and their 18 year old daughter Bre.
We grew up in the same town and we met on a dating site called Match soon after my divorce. I was ripe and ready for love, God put him in my life and I fell hard and fast. By our second date I knew I could and was falling madly in love with him. I had been without love for so long I had no idea of the blissful feelings I would have when I was around him. He is kind, gentle, strong in so many ways and I love everything about him. I know I'm gushing and you're probably barfing all over the page right now LOL but I do want to encourage you that your dreams are valid and if there is something God has placed on your heart, it's your duty to chase after it. I envisioned and dreamed about a love like this for years. In fact when the last 10 years of my marriage were so miserable, dreaming about finding my soulmate helped get me through those bad times. I knew one day I was going to leave as sad and as terrible as that sounds. But it was inevitable after so many years of heartache.
After my divorce I knew I needed deep healing from all the years of wounding, even as far back to my childhood. I turned to meditation and yoga to restore my body, mind and spirit. Becoming a yoga instructor and learning to meditate helped me correct the negative mindsets and recognize the self talk that was keeping me stuck. If I was to go forward and not repeat my mistakes in relationships and habits I needed to reprogram these. Yoga and meditation techniques are superior for women going through menopause and other life changes and can do a great deal to help with the physical side such as hot flashes and brain fog.
Bobbi Parker Hall Is a certified yoga instructor, personal trainer, Masters bikini competitor, and Mindset Comeback coach. Her and her husband Dean Hall are happily married and have combined thier experieces to help others. They live in Portland, Oregon.
Dean Hall has been a clinical licensed marriage and family therapist for over three decades. He specializes in hypnotherapy, peak performance coaching. A world record setting extreme distance swimmer and 2 x time cancer survivor he knows what it’s like to overcome the most impossible odds.